Many kids struggle with big emotions. They act out when they feel upset or tired. Parents often ask how to encourage self-regulation in kids. This skill helps children control their feelings and actions. It also builds focus, calmness, and better behaviour.
Self-regulation means pausing before reacting. It means using words instead of yelling or hitting. Children learn this slowly. But with help, they get better over time.
This article shares expert tips on how to encourage self-regulation in kids. You will learn simple ways to teach calmness at home. You will also see how routines and games help too. These tips fit into daily life. They are easy to try and very effective.
Keep reading to learn more. You will see how to encourage self-regulation in kids using fun and loving steps. Every child can learn to stay calm.
Understanding Self-Regulation in Kids
Self-regulation means staying calm and in control. It helps kids manage their emotions, actions, and energy and think before they act. Children use self-regulation to pause, wait, and make good choices. This skill does not come naturally to all kids. It grows slowly over time. Parents and teachers can guide them step by step.
Examples of self-regulation in daily life
A child who takes turns during a game is showing self-regulation. A child who walks away instead of hitting is using it too. If a child waits in line without fussing, that’s another good example. Also, a child who says, “I’m sad,” instead of screaming is learning to self-regulate. These small moments build confidence and peace.
Difference between self-regulation and self-control
Self-control means stopping yourself from doing something bad. It happens at the moment. But self-regulation is bigger. It means planning how to act and stay calm. Self-regulation is about knowing what to do next time. It involves learning from feelings and mistakes. Both are important, but self-regulation lasts longer and helps with daily life.
Why Some Kids Struggle With Self-Regulation
1. Brain development in young children
Children’s brains are still growing. The part that helps with calm thinking is not fully ready yet. This part is called the prefrontal cortex. It controls focus, patience, and planning. That’s why young kids often react fast without thinking.
2. Overwhelming Emotions
Children feel emotions in significant ways. When they are sad or mad, it can feel like too much. They may scream, cry, or hit because They do not know how to calm down yet. They need help understanding and naming what they feel.
3. The effect of tiredness, hunger, and stress
When kids are tired, they act out. When they are hungry or sick, it gets worse. Stress makes it very hard for kids to think clearly. That is why routines and rest are so important. These basic needs support better self-regulation.
4. Trauma or significant changes
If a child has faced trauma, they feel unsafe. Their body stays in “fight or flight” mode. This makes self-regulation harder. Big changes, like a move or family problem, also cause stress. Kids then act out because they do not know what else to do.
Signs a Child Needs Help With Self-Regulation
1. Tantrums over small things
If your child cries loudly over small issues, this may be a sign. It shows that feelings are hard to manage.
2. Trouble waiting or taking turns
Kids who grab toys or interrupt often may need help. They are struggling with control and patience.
3. Hitting, yelling, or crying often
If your child hits, screams, or cries a lot, they may lack self-regulation. These are signs they need support.
4. Shutting down or ignoring others
Some children go silent or walk away when upset. They are trying to cope but do not know how.
5. Difficulty calming down after getting upset
If your child stays upset for a long time, that’s a signal. They may need help learning how to feel better.
How to Encourage Self-Regulation in Kids
Self-regulation is a skill. It can be taught. Here are ways you can help:
1. Take Care of Yourself First
Make sure you’re calm. Children learn best from a calm, steady adult.
2. Focus on Skills, Not Just Behaviour
Don’t only try to stop bad behaviour. Teach children how to handle stress and emotions. This leads to better behaviour naturally.
3. Have Realistic Expectations
Know what your child can handle at their age. Don’t expect more than they can do. Support their growth slowly and steadily.
4. Model Calmness
When a child is upset, stay calm. Don’t reason with them in the heat of the moment. Help them feel safe first, then guide them through calming down.
5. Be Supportive
Show love, kindness, and understanding. Talk with them. Guide them like a coach.
6. Fill Their Tank
Make sure they eat well, sleep, and exercise. Let them enjoy fun activities and rest, too.
7. Reduce Pressure
Look at their daily schedule. Are they too busy? Take away extra tasks to lower stress.
8. Create a Routine
Children feel safe when life is predictable. Use routines and clear rules to help them know what to expect.
9. Make It Fun
Use games, stories, or role-play to teach self-regulation. Talk about emotions in fun ways. Let kids share their ideas.
10. Teach Them About Their Brain
Use simple terms. Tell them the downstairs brain helps in danger, but the upstairs brain helps them stay calm and make good choices.
11. Grow Their Feeling Vocabulary
Help kids name their feelings. Teach them how to talk about their emotions.
12. Build Self-Awareness
Let children rate their emotions. Use a scale from 1 to 5. Teach them how to spot when they are getting upset.
13. Give Them Tools to Cope
Show them different calming activities like:
Reading, listening to music, or playing
Walking, dancing, or stretching
Meditation or prayer
Deep breathing or slow counting
Saying kind things to themselves
Talking to someone they trust
Start practising these during calm moments. Then slowly use them when things get harder.
14. Give Quick Feedback
Praise their effort, not just results. Help them learn from mistakes. Make a plan for next time.
15. Use Rewards
Offer small rewards for effort, like screen time or a fun outing. Celebrate their wins, no matter how small.
16. Avoid Punishment
Don’t punish kids for meltdowns. Instead, use those moments to see where they need help. Guide them with patience.
17. Use calm routines and clear structure
Children feel safe when they know what to expect. Simple routines help their brains stay calm and ready.
18. Teach deep breathing and relaxation skills
Show them how to take slow breaths. This helps their body calm down. Breathing is a very easy tool to use.
19. Model self-regulation as a parent
Children watch how adults act. If you stay calm, they will learn to do the same. Your actions teach them a lot.
20. Offer choices to give children a sense of control
Let kids pick between two shirts or snacks. This builds control and lowers stress. Small choices help them feel strong.
21. Use praise to reinforce good behaviour
Say things like, “I like how you waited your turn.” Praise helps children know what to do next time.
22. Help label emotions using simple words
Use words like happy, sad, mad, or scared. When kids know what they feel, they learn how to handle it.
23. Use calm-down corners or quiet time
Give them a soft space to cool off. Add pillows, books, or soft toys. This helps them feel safe and relaxed.
24. Be patient and stay consistent
Change takes time. Use the same calm words and actions every day. Kids grow slowly but surely with support.
Fun Activities to Encourage Self-Regulation
These include:
1. Simple games that require focus and taking turns
Play games like Simon Says or Red Light, Green Light. These teach waiting, listening, and focus while having fun.
2. Role play and storytelling
Act out feelings with dolls or puppets. Use stories to show how to handle anger, fear, or frustration.
3. Yoga or stretching for calmness
Gentle movements help relax the body. Even five minutes of stretching helps with focus and calm.
4. Emotion cards and feeling wheels
These tools help children name and understand their emotions. Use them daily to start short talks.
5. Art, music, and sensory play
Painting, music, and sand play calm the mind. These activities help kids release emotions without using words.
Tools and Resources Parents Can Use
1. Books on emotions and feelings
Use picture books that teach about emotions. Read them during quiet times. Talk about how the characters feel.
2. Visual schedules and timers
Show what’s happening next with pictures. Timers also help kids understand how long to wait or focus.
3. Reward charts or sticker boards
These tools give children goals. When they meet them, they earn a reward. This builds motivation and structure.
4. Mobile apps that teach mindfulness to kids
There are fun apps for breathing, relaxing, or listening to calming sounds. These can be used for short breaks.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
1. Yelling or punishing harshly
Yelling teaches fear, not self-regulation. Children may act worse out of fear or confusion. Stay calm and firm instead.
2. Expecting instant results
Change takes time. Kids will still make mistakes. Focus on small steps, not quick fixes.
3. Ignoring small progress
Notice every good choice. Say “thank you for trying” even when they slip. Growth comes from encouragement.
4. Comparing children to others
Every child is different. Comparing can cause shame or stress. Focus on your child’s progress only.
5. Not taking care of your stress
When parents are stressed, kids feel it too. Practice self-care so you can model calm behaviour.
When to Seek Extra Help
1. When behaviour causes harm or danger
If your child hurts others or themselves often, it’s time to speak with a doctor or counsellor.
2. When nothing seems to work
If your efforts bring no changes, ask for help. A child therapist may offer new ideas that work.
3. Signs of deeper emotional issues
If your child is often very sad, scared, or angry, they may need emotional support. Watch for changes in sleep or eating too.
4. When the child does not respond to calm strategies
If calm tools bring no results after weeks, it may be more than self-regulation. Professional help is a smart next step.
How Brain Development Affects Self-Regulation in Children
To understand how to encourage self-regulation in kids, it helps to look at how the brain is built. The brain has two main parts: the downstairs brain and the upstairs brain.
The Downstairs Brain
The downstairs brain is made up of the brainstem and limbic system. It controls things we don’t think about, like breathing and heart rate. It also handles how we respond to stress; for example, when we fight, run away, or freeze. When this part of the brain feels danger, it reacts fast without thinking. This can save us in real danger.
But sometimes, the brain thinks normal stress is a danger. If children don’t have the skills to handle stress, they may react without thinking. This can cause problems in how they behave, feel, or learn.
The Upstairs Brain
The upstairs brain includes the prefrontal cortex. It helps children think, stay calm, and make good choices. When kids feel safe and relaxed, they can use this part of the brain. It helps them to:
Pause before acting
Think about others
Solve problems
Make plans
This upstairs brain takes a long time to fully grow. It continues to develop into the early adult years. That’s why younger children often struggle more with self-control than older ones. When little kids feel strong emotions like anger or fear, they may throw tantrums or cry. It’s not because they are bad — it’s because their brains are still growing.
Growth Brings Better Control
As children grow older, their brains mature. They slowly get better at:
Staying calm
Thinking before acting
Focusing on goals
Dealing with changes
Waiting for their turn
Controlling impulses
Working with others
Studies show that learning self-regulation skills helps children handle stress better later in life.
Children With ADHD and Learning Disorders
Some children, especially those with ADHD or Learning Disabilities (LD), have more trouble with self-regulation. Their brains develop differently, especially the prefrontal cortex. Kids with ADHD may be behind by 30% or more in brain growth. A 10-year-old with ADHD may behave like a 7-year-old in terms of self-control.
These children need more time, care, and support. Medication might help with focus or hyperactivity. But medicine alone does not teach children how to manage stress or emotions. What they need is love, guidance, practice, and patience.
Self-Regulation Is Like a Fuel Tank
Think of a car’s fuel tank. If it runs out of gas, the car won’t move. The same goes for self-regulation. Children need energy to stay calm and in control. When they feel good, they can manage stress better.
To help them, give them happy experiences. Let them do things they enjoy and feel proud of. These moments refill their “regulation tank.” But stress, tiredness, or too many demands can drain the tank. So, be sure not to ask more from them than they can handle.
Helping Children With Self-Regulation
Kids don’t always know how to manage big feelings like sadness or anger. When they feel overwhelmed, they might act out or shut down. If they lack the skills to calm down, punishment won’t help. It can make things worse. They may feel ashamed or disconnected from adults.
Instead, stay calm and supportive. Children copy the emotions of adults around them. If you stay calm, they are more likely to calm down too. When a child is upset, their downstairs brain takes over. They can’t think clearly, and they need help. Offer comfort. Show understanding. Guide them through the steps to calm down and learn how to handle stress.
What Does Emotional Dysregulation Look Like?
Emotional dysregulation appears differently in every child. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Matthew Rouse, some children respond with sudden, intense emotions. “They react immediately without warning,” he explains. “There’s no buildup—they just explode because they can’t control that first emotional response.”
In contrast, other children might show signs of distress building gradually until it eventually leads to an outburst. “You can often see the meltdown coming,” Dr. Rouse adds, “but it’s hard to stop once it starts.”
No matter how it looks, the goal is the same: helping children manage these big emotions in ways that are healthier and less disruptive than a meltdown.
How Can We Teach Self-Regulation in Kids?
Scott Bezsylko, director of Winston Prep schools for children with learning differences, views acting out as an unhelpful reaction to a trigger. Instead of punishing the behaviour, adults should teach children to slow down and choose better responses.
“Treat self-regulation like any other skill, whether academic or social,” Bezsylko says. “Break it down and practice it regularly.” When adults see it as a skill to develop rather than a behaviour to fix, their feedback becomes more helpful and less critical.
Practical Ways on How to Encourage Self-Regulation in Kids
Imagine a child struggling with a tough math assignment. If the parent takes over too much, the child might blame the parent instead of learning to manage their frustration. A better approach would be to help with one problem, and then let the child try the rest. If they feel overwhelmed, they can take short breaks — maybe get a drink or use a timer. The parent checks in occasionally and praises their efforts.
If video games are a trigger, encouraging self-regulation could involve practicing short sessions with less-favorite games. For example, the child plays for three minutes and then hands the device over. Each success earns them a reward or points toward a goal.
Practice Makes Progress
Practice runs, or “dry runs,” are also useful. If a child often acts out at the store, go on a short trip with no real shopping agenda. Let them practice walking calmly, keeping their hands to themselves, and reward their progress.
Take brushing teeth, for example. Begin with just putting toothpaste on the brush and reward that step. Once mastered, move on to brushing. For morning meltdowns, tackle one task at a time — like getting dressed by a certain time — before adding breakfast and other steps.
Breaking routines into small, achievable steps builds confidence and self-regulation skills over time.
Teaching Kids to Reflect on Their Actions
Bezsylko emphasizes the power of calm, thoughtful responses from adults. When teachers or parents stay cool and allow time for reflection, children can learn to respond more appropriately. The feedback should focus on what went wrong, why it happened, and how to improve — without shaming or yelling.
“Reflective environments help kids become more thoughtful and self-aware,” Bezsylko says. When adults model mindfulness, awareness, and emotional control, children are more likely to do the same. Mindfulness and meditation are especially helpful for children with regulation difficulties.
The Role of Parents in Encouraging Self-Regulation in Kids
Ultimately, the family setting plays the most crucial role in building self-regulation. No tool or program replaces the work that parents do at home. Creating a supportive, structured, and reflective environment gives children the foundation to thrive.
Final Notes
Self-regulation is a very important skill. It helps kids stay calm and make better choices. It also builds strong habits for life.
You now know how to encourage self-regulation in kids. You’ve seen how routines, play, and calm words can help. These expert tips work when used every day.
Always praise good behaviour. Be patient when things go wrong. Teach deep breathing and quiet time. These steps may seem small, but they bring big results.
Kids will not learn self-control in one day. But with time and love, they get better. Keep showing them how to stay calm.
Start using these tips today. Learn how to encourage self-regulation in kids. Your child will feel more peaceful and confident. And you will enjoy a calmer, happier home too.